Because I’m Not Perfect

Whenever it starts to seem like EVERYTHING in your life is going YOUR way, check yourself. This usually means the devil is out to tempt you and God is out to test you. I was recently tested myself. For a few months now I’ve had a crush on this guy. He seems to be very sweet, very smart, he has a good head on his shoulder, he has a decent job, he’s in school and not to mention he’s tall and handsome. ( For a young black man this seems to be rare. So sisters…I know you can understand the excitement here!) Anywho… point is I have a crush on this guy but he has a girlfriend. (Granted his girlfriend is in another state attending college as well.)

Well it seemed recently that me and this guy had started talking more than usual. He was real cool with listening and allowing me to vent some things here and there to him and I started to appreciate that. I enjoyed hearing what he would have to say and I kept feeling like everytime we would talk the chemistry was there.  At one point I kept thinking that maybe he was attracted to me because he had started talking to me more. I wanted to believe that any day now he might mention that him and his girlfriend might have broken up. He had never talked to me this much before so I was excited.I felt like I had become important enough for him to check up on me. What girl doesn’t want a guy to feel that way about them? By talking more I kept feeling like maybe I was getting a step closer. But as much as my imagination was working..nothing changed and  the fact remained he still had a girlfriend.  Even after I had said I was giving up because I wanted to respect what they had, I still found myself wanting to be with this guy.

To make a long story short, he ended up giving me his number and all of a sudden it just BLEW MY MIND! Granted, he gave me his phone number with the intentions that I was to only use it if I wanted to talk or needed some advice or something. Now this was the test. The devil in me wanted to take his number and use it for my own selfish advantage. Call him and text him for all the wrong reasons. I had finally got what I had wanted! I couldn’t just let the opportunity pass me by. I would be crazy right? This was my foot in the door..so to speak. However the God in me quickly realized this was a test. Here it was the very thing I had wanted all alone, I had gotten it but now what? He HAS a GIRLFRIEND!! What would be the point in me trying to do anything to ruin their relationship? God has already assigned him to someone and who am I to break that assignment?? It was really hard for me to not take the number and use it to my advantage because part of me wanted to entertain the thought, but as soon as I realized what was going on I had to shut that down real quick! I couldn’t allow my mind to entertain that thought anymore, because it’s wrong. Here I was wanting what wasn’t mine. And just when I thought I had got somewhere trying to weasle my way in, God shut it down and woke me up.

You know it’s nobody but God when you get what you’ve been wanting and then you realize you can’t enjoy it  how you had planned on enjoying it. This experience showed me that I still have alot of work to do as far as my interaction with men. Maybe part of me is still looking for some kind of connection with a man to tap my emotions so that I know I’m still wanted by someone. The sad thing is that I know I can’t find affirmation in a man.This has been preached to me continuously. But usually the good guys worth while don’t give me the time of day so to see that this guy was, I didn’t know how to handle it. Perhaps this could be a preview for the kind of man God has in store for me compared to what I once had. And this is probably why I’m also not in a relationship right now..I’m obviously not ready..I can’t handle the “preview”.

I want to end this by saying that this blog can’t get any realer than this. I just put myself out there..flaws and all. I wanted to show that I’m not perfect along  my walk with God. I believe that no matter how long you might have been walking with God, everyday is a growing experience.  I also want to apoloize to this guy for even having the thought that I might try your relationship like that.  I do have respect for what has already been established and as I’ve mentioned I don’t want to do anything in anyway to come between that. It’s good that God has shown me some things in my life because now I know what I need to work on.