Here I was thinking that in my previous blog God had set out to teach me one lesson, when he was trying to dig deeper. So deep that I’m basically starting from sctratch now. The last two months have really been trying times for me and my identity. For the last two months I had been living life so fast I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was slowly beginning not to recognize myself. I would look in the mirror and feel so lost, because I knew the person I was looking at wasn’t me. And it took me darn near two months to snap out of it.
In the last couple of weeks, God has truly shown me some things about myself. One of those being I’m obviously not where I thought I was. Deep down, part of me is still lonely and still broken. Part of me still wants to search for validation through guys because I like the attention. I have been lying to myself about all of these things. I hadn’t been honest with myself about some of my ways. And because I wasn’t being honest about who I was, it caused me to war within myself.
I would go to church, hear the word and not even fully be able to enjoy it because I was too busy living another life once church ended. I was caught up trying to live a life that had been driven by my lust for a dude. And even though I kept getting all the signs to leave him alone, my flesh was not trying to hear that. I would ignore the warnings, and give dude the benefit of the doubt even when it was all so obvious.
I was too impatient to trust God. I was playing games trying to make things happen and in the process I basically was backtracking from where God had already bought me from with my ex-boyfriend. I had known this new guy for a month and already he had tapped my soul and I was allowing him to dictate my emotions. I was attached to something I had no business being attached to. The devil got his foot in the door and I was available, just open. For no reason. And when you open yourself up to any and everything, we allow oursevles to become vicitms.
The major issue here is that I wasn’t trusting God to be ENOUGH. I kept looking for something to compliment him. I knew the word, I had heard the word, but I wasn’t truly believing everything I had been hearing. It wasn’t engrained in my heart like it should have been. Knowing and believing are two different things.
I also realized that part of my worst fear had come true. I’m more like my mother than I thought I was. Everytime a dude comes along, my mind just takes off running from me, and I always have to catch myself…sometimes when it’s obviously too late. How many times will I keep tripping myself up? You would think by now God has worked something in me right? But here I was being hard-headed and I’ve almost gone back down the same road God had just delievered me from.
Finally this past Sunday, this burden I had been carrying around, clueless and lost in my own little world, was finally lifted. I went to the altar and cried and just let it all out. And I can’t explain to you how much I missed the old me and that when I left the altar my soul was at so much peace. The war within had stopped. I could hear God telling me the things he wanted to work on in me. I could hear him telling me that my character needed a major revamp.
So here I am starting all over so that God can truly work his will in me that I may fufill the purpose HE has for my life. Everything I thought I knew about myself, has totally been reconstructed by God. He’s jacking me up and purifying my motives for everything that I do. And even though I’m not where I thought I was, I’m trusting God to build me up and get me back to where he wants me to be.