Starting from Scratch

Here I was thinking that in my previous blog God had set out to teach me one lesson, when he was trying to dig deeper. So deep that I’m basically starting from sctratch now. The last two months have really been trying times for me and my identity. For the last two months I had been living life so fast I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  I was slowly beginning not to recognize myself. I would look in the mirror and feel so lost, because I knew the person I was looking at wasn’t me. And it took me darn near two months to snap out of it.

In the last couple of weeks, God has truly shown me some things about myself. One of those being I’m obviously not where I thought I was. Deep down, part of me is still lonely and still broken. Part of me still wants to search for validation through guys because I like the attention. I have been lying to myself about all of these things. I hadn’t been honest with myself about some of my ways. And because I wasn’t being honest about who I was, it caused me to war within myself.

I would go to church, hear the word and not even fully be able to enjoy it because I was too busy living another life once church ended. I was caught up trying to live a life that had been driven by my lust for a dude. And even though I kept getting all the signs to leave him alone, my flesh was not trying to hear that. I would ignore the warnings, and give dude the benefit of the doubt even when it was all so obvious.

I was too impatient to trust God. I was playing games trying to make things happen and in the process I basically was backtracking from where God had already bought me from with my ex-boyfriend. I had known this new guy for a month and already he had tapped my soul and I was allowing him to dictate my emotions. I was attached to something I had no business being attached to. The devil got his foot in the door and I was available, just open. For no reason. And when you open yourself up to any and everything, we allow oursevles to become vicitms.

The major issue here is that I wasn’t  trusting God to be ENOUGH. I kept looking for something to compliment him. I knew the word, I had heard the word, but I wasn’t truly believing everything I had been hearing. It wasn’t engrained in my heart like it should have been. Knowing and believing are two different things.

I also realized that part of my worst fear had come true. I’m more like my mother than I thought I was. Everytime a dude comes along, my mind just takes off running from me, and I always have to catch myself…sometimes when it’s obviously too late. How many times will I keep tripping myself up? You would think by now God has worked something in me right? But here I was being hard-headed and I’ve almost gone back down the same road God had just delievered me from.

Finally this past Sunday, this burden I had been carrying around, clueless and lost in my own little world, was finally lifted. I went to the altar and cried and just let it all out. And I can’t explain to you how much I missed the old me and that when I left the altar my soul was at so much peace. The war within had stopped. I could hear God telling me the things he wanted to work on in me. I could hear him telling me that my character needed a major revamp.

So here I am starting all over so that God can truly work his will in me that I may fufill the purpose HE has for my life. Everything I thought I knew about myself, has totally been reconstructed by God. He’s jacking me up and purifying my motives for everything that I do. And even though I’m not where I thought I was, I’m trusting God to build me up and get me back to where he wants me to  be.

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All the devil Needs is a Foot in the Door…

The ryhme goes that: Humpey Dumpey sat on a wall, humpey dumpey had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put humpey together again.

Well I’m glad to say that when I fall, God is there to pick up the pieces! This blog is about distractions! Distractions, distractions!  The devil knows what I like: Men. And dealing with men is one of my weaknesses. I can admit that whenever a good looking guy comes along and shows the slightest interest in me, sometimes if I’m not careful I get throwed off track. I can get caught up and it doesn’t take very long.  Recently over the last few weeks, I’ve been going through some things. It began with simple compliments from guys. Something as simple as “you look good today.” And at first I was cool. But then the compliments began to come more frequently and it started to make me feel good. Like dang I got it. And once I started feeling like I “had it” it just started to blow my mind. Part of me started thinking I was so grand. I just knew I looked good, all eyes were on me. And my flesh just ate the attention up! Loved it!  But then I stepped back and I was like, dang I’m starting to get the big head. So I tried to tell myself to calm down, be cool, you’re pretty but don’t act like I’m allll that. Normally when I get compliments it never really went to my head, but there was a spirit in me  that was just eating the attention up.

And so I tried to let it go because I kept saying to myself, this isn’t like me. I started doing extra stuff to get attention. Trying to dress a certain way, doing my hair a certain way, just hoping to get another compliment or a glance letting me know a guy was watching.  For a minute I had caught myself, but before I knew it, I had took off again. I went to a party and I ended up exchanging numbers with a dude I’ve had my eye on for a while. After I got his number I just felt like I was the JUNK! He’s a very attractive guy, a lot of girls like him so I just felt finally he noticed me, I must be something special. Getting his number really didn’t help me with my “big head” issue.

So to make a long story short, there are actually two lessons to be learned here. As I said the blog is about distractions. The devil knows I like men, and this guy became a distraction I introduced into my life. The second lesson is that sometimes God will give you what you’ve been wanting for so long just to show you it’s NOT what you really wanted. So here I was finally talking to the guy and at first things seemed cool. Too cool, so I asked God to show me how YOU see him. Because I knew I was too caught up to see the dude for who he really was. Now in showing me who the dude really was, God also showed me who I REALLY WAS. Let’s just say the dude brought out some things in me that I thought I was over and had  under control. But little did I realize that the opportunity just hadn’t been around for me to mess up. So basically the guy and I ended up in a make out session that went further than I wanted it to. And because of that, it really sucks. Like now dude is probably only going to see me as something to conquer. For a minute I had been so proud that we had hung out and he hadn’t tried me. And part of me was like, really? What’s wrong with this guy? And then he tried me and I failed the test anyways! So I got what I asked for. How can I be mad at that when I only have myself to blame?  But also I now know that the dude wasn’t meant for me either. It was a reason he hadn’t given me his number. But I just had to have it, God let me have it and now I’ve made a mess. I can’t go back and change how he views me, but I’m pretty sure it’s not how I would like him to see me, the real me outside of my hormones.

At first I wanted to beat myself up about it, because I saw all the signs. They were subtle so I tried to ignore them.And after the fact I just felt so bad because I knew I hadn’t lived up to the standard God had for me. I let myself down and I let him down. When I know I’m capable of doing better. I had a friend say some things to me today and they kind of kept me in encouraged. Despite some of my messy interactions with guys, I’ve yet too go to far. And everytime I do, God snatches me back so I know he must have a great plan for my life. Because honestly I know I could be pregnant and just on my way to nowhere. It could’ve easily happened given some of my situations.  God truly is a keeper, even when we’re not aware of  what he’s doing in our lives. Sometimes taking a fall will wake us up to what God is trying to show us.

These past three weeks, I hadn’t really been myself. I had forgotten who I was. It’s easy to get caught up when the devil brings the right distractions along. So now I’ve decided that anytime any guy comes into my life that the first thing I  will do is ask God: why is he here? Show me what you see.  Reveal his intentions to me. Is he going to be a distraction to my purpose? Because I don’t want to get caught off guard again, thinking all the attention is good, when it’s meant for me to eat up and get off course. All it took was a compliment and the devil had his foot in the door. I was gone just like that! God has jacked me up to give me the reality check I needed and now I hope that maybe someone else who reads this may hear God speaking some things to them. The one thing I’ve learned through my walk with God is that he’ll do whatever it takes to build up good character in you. Whatever means whatever. Test & tribulations will come to test your character. Sometimes, like myself, we might think we’re somewhere with God when we’re really not. So God allows us to go through things to show us where we stand with him. Nobody but God can still love you unconditionally even after you have failed  time and time again. So it’s never too late to search yourself to make sure that you’re doing the things God has asked you to do. Don’t get caught up one day and before you know it you’ve gone too far. Because maybe this time you give into your flesh, it might not be as easy to come back to God.