In the end I realize that I still only have myself to blame. I’ve caused myself way more pain than necessary when all I had to do was just let this dude go. But my flesh was so determined to have him. I’ve been trying to convince myself, that if God won’t allow me to be with the person I want, then there must be someone better in store. But even this has been a hard truth for me to accept at times, because my flesh wants what it wants.
Like I’ve said I can only blame myself. It wasn’t all dude’s fault, because I played my part too. I admit I did tease this guy and said some things I probably shouldn’t have said. I’m guilty of advertising my body, even though I never intended to actually have sex with him, at least not anytime soon. I kept playing games thinking I could do something to change this dude’s mind about me. I knew what the final verdict was, God had already spoken but I refused to listen because I felt I had to have this guy.
Going through this made me realize that sometimes we upset ourselves. And sometimes we need to be upset to show us, that we can’t do anything without God. We have to learn to depend on him. And that no matter what we may try to do, his will, will come to pass and we can’t stand in the way.
I found myself trying to meet my own needs instead of trusting God to know what’s best for me. It’s obvious that when it comes to me and guys my mind is not well, why I continue to think I can trust myself, I don’t know why.
I have issues with letting things go when God says no. Hence I’ve been in this stronghold because I didn’t want to let go. But I’ve learned that the things we think we’re giving up, are really nothing when you think about the greater things God has in store. Our standard of what’s good, doesn’t always match God’s standard. He is the one who should set the standard from the beginning.
Sometimes it’s necessary for us to fail so that God can work some things out of us to create room to put some stuff into us. In the last few months he’s been digging real deep in me. I had put too much faith in this guy and I was looking to him for confirmation that was never there. I kept thinking I was alright but it wasn’t until God confronted me that I realized, I was a DISASTER!
And to be honest, this was one of the blogs I wasn’t going to write because it was a very hard truth for me to accept. And because I kept hearing the right thing to do, but doing the opposite I also felt like an idiot. I knew I was bringing pain to myself. I felt guilty because I had already been through this before and I kept wondering why I couldn’t get it right? And every time I would try and walk away I kept feeling defeated like I didn’t have the strength to do it; like to let this guy go would hurt me so bad. And it did, but emotions can be healed. I kept stumbling and trying to get up, only to fall again, and at one point I almost gave up. I didn’t see the point in trying and I felt maybe I was too far gone. I’ve been fighting this for 5 months, and I’m ready to shake this off of me. I can’t say I’m completely healed, but I do know once I’m delivered this time, there is NO going back. I hope I never have to feel this way again EVER over any man. I’m learning that I have to trust God more and truly believe that he knows what’s best for me.