I Only Have Myself to Blame pt. 2

In the end I realize that I still only have myself to blame. I’ve caused myself way more pain than necessary when all I had to do was just let this dude go. But my flesh was so determined to have him. I’ve been trying to convince myself, that if God won’t allow me to be with the person I want, then there must be someone better in store. But even this has been a hard truth for me to accept at times, because my flesh wants what it wants.

Like I’ve said I can only blame myself. It wasn’t all dude’s fault, because I played my part too. I admit I did tease this guy and said some things I probably shouldn’t have said. I’m guilty of advertising my body, even though I never intended to actually have sex with him, at least not anytime soon. I kept playing games thinking I could do something to change this dude’s mind about me. I knew what the final verdict was, God had already spoken but I refused to listen because I felt I had to have this guy.

Going through this made me realize that sometimes we upset ourselves. And sometimes we need to be upset to show us, that we can’t do anything without God. We have to learn to depend on him. And that no matter what we may try to do, his will, will come to pass and we can’t stand in the way.

I found myself trying to meet my own needs instead of trusting God to know what’s best for me. It’s obvious that when it comes to me and guys my mind is not well, why I continue to think I can trust myself, I don’t know why. 

I have issues with letting things go when God says no. Hence I’ve been in this stronghold because I didn’t want to let go. But I’ve learned that the things we think we’re giving up, are really nothing when you think about the greater things God has in store.  Our standard of what’s good, doesn’t always match God’s standard. He is the one who should set the standard from the beginning.

Sometimes it’s necessary for us to fail so that God can work some things out of us to create room to put some stuff into us. In the last few months he’s been digging real deep in me. I had put too much faith in this guy and I was looking to him for confirmation that was never there.  I kept thinking I was alright but it wasn’t until God confronted me that I realized, I was a DISASTER!

And to be honest, this was one of the blogs I wasn’t going to write because it was a very hard truth for me to accept. And because I kept hearing the right thing to do, but doing the opposite I also felt like an idiot. I knew I was bringing pain to myself. I felt guilty because I had already been through this before and I kept wondering why I couldn’t get it right? And every time I would try and walk away I kept feeling defeated like I didn’t have the strength to do it; like to let this guy go would hurt me so bad. And it did, but emotions can be healed. I kept stumbling and trying to get up, only to fall again, and at one point I almost gave up. I didn’t see the point in trying and I felt maybe I was too far gone.  I’ve been fighting this for 5 months, and I’m ready to shake this off of me. I can’t say I’m completely healed, but I do know once I’m delivered this time, there is NO going back. I hope I never have to feel this way again EVER over any man. I’m learning that I have to trust God more and truly believe that he knows what’s best for me.

I Only Have Myself to Blame pt. 1

Let’s face it, there are some things we go through simply because we’ve brought the situation upon ourselves.  When we don’t take heed to God’s warnings we set ourselves up for failure. Most of us know the right thing to do, but when we get in our flesh and that becomes the thing that drives us, we forget what we’re “supposed” to do. It becomes about doing whatever it takes to please your flesh, sometimes without even thinking twice about the consequences.  When we are driven by desires of the flesh, they can be very strong and it takes nothing to get caught up.

For me, my downfall in this area came when God told me I couldn’t date a certain guy. I just didn’t want to hear it. I had had a crush on this guy for so long and to finally talk to him and get his attention, and then have God tell me NO?! My flesh went STUPID! I was NOT trying to hear that. And I asked God to show me what this guy was really about, and that was NOT the answer I wanted to hear. But when God says no, he means it. There’s nothing you can do as long as God has the final say. Some things you just HAVE to accept.

But when you get in your flesh, the determination is crazy. I wanted what I wanted and I started to think I had more control than God. I kept trying to convince myself that I could change the situation that I could make the guy see me in a different light and everything would just fall into place.  Even when I kept getting warnings and hearing God’s word, I wouldn’t take heed to any of it. I ignored it because I kept trying to tell myself I had control of the situation.

At first I couldn’t see that I was setting myself up. I would hang around this guy and think that I was cool. I thought I had my emotions under control; everything was “casual.” He didn’t want a relationship and I understood why, so I settled for just being his friend. (Even though I knew I wanted more.) But after a while I begin to get frustrated. I started to realize that it was never about this guy being in a relationship with me or not, because all he saw me as was a sexual object. Every time I went over, I could tell that’s all he really wanted and after a while I knew I wanted more.  We never went all the way so to speak and thank God because I couldn’t see myself settling for this. But when I tried to get him to see me in another light, as the young woman I was outside the bedroom, it was a HUGE FAILURE. I already knew you couldn’t start a relationship in the bedroom so it was too late for that.

To make a long story short, after our last night alone I officially just gave up on the guy. It was at that point I knew there was really no hope and it simply was not meant to be.  There was nothing I could do. And no matter how many times I asked God about the situation, he still gave me the same answer: NO. And this was not an easy truth to accept, it’s still not an easy truth to accept. And even though I’ve been trying to walk away, emotionally I’m still attached to this guy. And I’ve only known him for 5 months. It was like I just left myself so open, that I was asking to get in some trouble.

To this day, I’m still trying to get him out of my system completely and it has not been easy. There have been days I feel like I’ve made progress and then two days later I feel the devil trying to snatch me back. Just when I think I’m over him, something happens and I find myself trying to get caught up again. It’s been a real back and forth battle emotionally. I’ve allowed him to dictate my emotions for too long, and I’m ready to take back that power I allowed him to have over me.

So Much to Say…Where to Begin..?

I know it’s been a while since I wrote a blog and I know some people may be wondering. Well a while back I remember praying to God about my writing. I told him I didn’t want to write just to be writing. I wanted my writing to have a purpose. When other people read my work, I wanted them to be able to take away something personal from it.

Be careful what you ask for, because in doing this it was like I was asking God to send some things my way on purpose. Good and bad, just to test me. You can’t really write about what you’ve never experienced. The last few months I’ve been through some things with God and I have LOTS to tell. And it’s not for my sake of just “venting”; it’s for God’s glory because without him I would’ve never made it through some of the things I went through. If I can’t trust him, how can I expect others to trust him? In going through everything it was like God shut me down. I couldn’t write anything, my mind could never get focused enough with everything I was going through. My pastor often says you can’t ask to be great without having to go through some things first. And I can now witness to that first hand.

I can’t tell you how many blog ideas have popped in my head and I wasn’t able to write them. I wanted to write, but every time I would try, I could never finish, or it would just come off as me ranting instead of speaking the truth. There were even a few blog ideas I didn’t want to write because I didn’t want to accept God’s word about the situation. I wasn’t ready personally to do what I knew was right. For a while I got discouraged, but I also knew when the time came to write, I would hold NOTHING back. It was like I wanted to write about a lesson I’d just been taught and thought I had finally got it, but then I would go out and contradict what I’d just been taught; which obviously meant I hadn’t learned the lesson after all.  What would I look like saying one thing, and obviously doing another? I felt like it would just defeat the purpose. It just goes to show that our gifts are not our own and we can’t just use it when we feel like it.

Let me tell you, what I thought I knew I didn’t. Lessons I thought I had down pact, false. I spent the last few months of my life relearning things I had already been taught such as: getting attached to people, letting God pick your boyfriend/girlfriend for you, not being impressed by the physical but looking at the person’s character, purifying my motives etc.  And those are just a few. I have soooo much to share and I can’t wait. I don’t know where to begin, but I hope whatever I write that it does whatever God’s intended purpose is.