2010: The Year of “No”

All year long in 2010 I dealt with a lot of struggles. Most of them I had gotten myself into because I didn’t  like hearing the word “no.” I hate being told what I can have or who I can be with. I don’t like being denied the things I think are good for me, or would be beneficial in some way to my life. And it’s this kind of thinking that got me into trouble ALL YEAR LONG. I was trying to pick things out for my life, instead of allowing God to pick it for me. When God says no, he means it. I tried so many times to make things happen even when I knew God had told me no.  And most of the time it ended in disappointment, or me looking like a fool.  And every time I thought I had gotten over, there were always consequences to bare. I spent an entire year being caught up with basically ONE person.  2010 was just not my year. All the progress I thought I made was always undermined when I started doing wrong again. In 2010 I had never felt so far away from God in my life. The end of last year really made me question EVERYTHING I’ve ever believed in. I had sum very low moments. I almost felt like I had hit rock bottom. I had truly gotten away from everything I had believed in and I felt like I was a different person. Even now it’s hard for me to pick up the pieces and find my zeal I once had for God. I’ve noticed that overtime, it’s gotten a lot harder for me to obey his word. I can somtimes feel myself  becoming more stubborn and ignoring God’s word. But one thing i keep trying to remind myself as the new year has begun, is that anything good for me, God will not with hold it from me. So if he says no, most likely he’s trying to save me from a lot of pain and a lot of trouble. Also he’s trying to show me that my standard of what’s good, isn’t the same as his standard of what’s good. Leave it up to me I’m likely to make a choice because of how i feel, or because of what i see, instead of making the choice to please GOD in my decision. That was one area I dealt with all year long, being told no..CONSTANTLY it felt like. But in the end, it was all a test. Granted one I didn’t pass. But looking back I understand. If God says I can’t have something, or if he says this person isn’t for me, it shouldn’t change my whole attitude. And a lot of the times, when I was told no, it did. I felt like well, even though God is telling me no, there has to be a way that I can make it happen. But if something is not meant for you, in the end you will know. Sometimes God will allow you to experience it and then you’ll see for yourself it wasn’t for you. Then other times once you get what you want, nothing good will become of it. It will cause you more trouble than you thought just to “keep it”.  God knows what and who to allow in your life to keep you focused on his intended plan. I’m learning that everything I think is good, is actually sometimes a distraction. And distractions are a big obstacle for me. So now my task for 2011 is to get back to God and rediscover my zeal I had for him. Every time i venture off, it’s the same thing: I can’t do anything without God. With everything I been going through, it’s obvious I need him more than ever.