Lately I feel like God has really been trying to get my attention. There has been a lot going on in my life, and I think he’s been using it to show me that the life I’m living now it NOT FOR ME. To be honest, I kind of figured it before I even completely went down the path. But I thought I could have the best of BOTH worlds. I thought that I could still fully serve God as well as be part of an organization I’m currently in. However, now that I’ve been in it for a few months, I’m slowly realizing it’s NOT what I thought it would be. I joined the organization to help build it up, add to it and hopefully help it to grow and progress. And at first, it seemed we were headed in that path. But along the way, it’s just been too much drama for me. And with everything that’s been going on, it has truly taken my attention away from God. I’m realizing that ultimately, this is all a distraction. One I probably could have avoided, had I listened to God early on. I knew all along it wasn’t for me. I had been seen the signs and had plenty of opportunities to walk away, but I chose to stay; mainly to prove a point to myself. But in trying to prove a point to myself, I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’ve allowed this organization to change me. I can honestly say I’m not the person I used to be. I’m not going to say all the change was bad, some of it was good. And I’m not going to say it’s all the organizations fault. No, I simply opened a door that led to other things. But ultimately I’ve been noticing, things aren’t the same anymore and I’m getting tired of the extra none sense in my life. I’m to the point where I realize I have better things to focus on in life. And at the end of the day, I’m not really growing. And for me, growth has always been important. So I don’t want to become content, when I know God has a better standard of living for me. I’m not saying I’m going to change over night, but at least I’m starting to realize and see things in a different light. Usually knowing is only 1/2 the battle.
I have a confession: I am the most inconsistent person you will ever meet. In saying that, it says a lot about my relationship with God. I’m ashamed, but I’m facing the music and I’m realizing that if I can’t be consistent with God, then I’m unable to be consistent in other parts of my life. My writing used to be based on the relationship I had with God, but that relationship doesn’t exsist anymore. At least not as strong as it used to be. I’ve actually lost my zeal and I’ve given up trying to get it back. Have you ever just reached a point where you wanted to accept your own defeat? Im at that point, where I feel I’ve gotten so far away from myself, there’s no point. My mindset is so far away from God, it takes a LOT more for me to hear him. I’m not saying that I’m unhappy with the person I am now, I just know there’s some habits I’ve developed that I’m not so proud of. I’m not really sure what to do.