Lost in Translation

In May I wrote a blog about someone who had been in my life for over two years and how I kept pushing him away because I thought I was scared to be in a relationship. Well, I’ve had some more time to think this situation over. And it turns out even after this person moved away,  we’ve still managed to keep in contact. And it’s still the same back and forth thing as far as where we stand with each other.

So here I was thinking I had let something good slip away, and it was a missed opportunity because I had never gotten over some issues from my past. But I’ve finally dealt with some of those issues that have held me back emotionally and now it all makes sense. I love him as a friend and I care for him and I support him in whatever he does. Most of all I want to see him happy; but that doesn’t mean in a relationship with me!  Nothing I just said translates into a relationship! Matter of fact it’s the same thing I’ve been saying for the last year!

I’m not sure why this person has even been in my life for so long, considering our history of going back and forth. It baffles me everyday. Nothing is ever simple when you have history with a person.  And I will admit, ok…maybe there were times I sent mixed signals. But he should know me a lot better after these two years, my indecisiveness tends to be an issue. It should be nothing new to him. I am a  libra!!

I really just want the “soap opera” to end..ONCE AND FOR ALL! But I still want him to be part of my life…as a close friend. But if being his friend is going to cause him to think that we still have potential for a relationship, then maybe I should just jump ship here…I don’t want to have to wonder if every time we’re hanging out, if this subject of a relationship is going to pop up in conversation.

For some reason  even when we’ve tried going our separate ways (multiple times) we both still manage to keep hanging on. Funny thing is I’ve been in this situation, the roles were reverse and so I know what it feels like to be hurt after you were the one to put everything out on the table only to get nothing in return. And I’ve apologized to him for what I’ve done. But I’m not about to keep going in circles with dude! I can’t. I hate being in stagnant situations, it drives me crazy!  How do you stop a behavior that the person obviously allows. I recently learned that people will only do to you what you allow them too. Not that this gives me the right for my own behavior, but I’m just saying because I’ve been there; done that.

Maybe the truth is I feel guilty for hurting him, because I know how I felt when the roles were reverse. So in some sense that is one reason I do kind of hang on, because his friendship is still important to me. Like I said earlier, I do want to see him happy with his life. But part of me wonders, why should I feel guilty if he already knows the deal and he keeps coming around anyways? Why should I keep trying to spare his feelings when he’s obviously NOT trying to move on? I can’t keep feeling sorry for him.  It’s time we both picked up the pieces, close the door and MOVE ON!

As for myself I probably should just cut him off; even if that means loosing a close  friend. Because right now the relationship we have isn’t really benefiting either one of us. In a sense we’re enabling each other. I always did have a problem with letting people go.

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