History Always Seems to Repeat Itself

I have this fear that I have been living the last year of my life in a cycle. Some of the same signs are there and the situations are similar, yet instead of me avoiding what I know is to come; things happen. And it’s almost as if I feel like I don’t have control enough to prevent it from happening all over again.

I know that consistency is a big issue for me and I believe that one of the main reasons, that history seems to be repeating itself is because I’m inconsistent in certain areas of my life; particularly with my relationship with God. It’s like sometimes I go hard and I stay in God face, but then after a while distractions come and I start to slip away.

I guess my biggest concern right now is that with everything I’m going through, that I don’t want to loose  myself or my sense of peace. And I’m really having trouble holding onto them both. It makes me really nervous and frustrated to know that I’m loosing grip on them both, because both of these are key things in my life.

I spent most of my summer finding a peace I had lost and now to think that it could be slipping away, is frustrating me. I’m really hard on myself and I expect more of myself in this type of situation. I feel like I’ve been here before, so why do I keep falling into the same traps?  Lately there’s been a pull in my spirit because of my inconsistency. There’s a battle within myself and I know there are decisions in my life that need to be made. Until I do, then this pull is only going to grow stronger and I won’t be able to avoid it.

God is truly showing me with the recent distractions in my life, that the only way this cycle will end is if I let some things go in my life.  Letting things and people go has also been a big issue for me. I struggle in this area. The things I’m trying to avoid are the things I’m constantly around by “default” so to speak (it comes with the territory of the lifestyle I’m currently living)  and right now I need to cut  some ties because I don’t want my progress I made this summer to be in vain. I’m the type of person, I hate going in circle; it frustrates me.  My mindset is too progressive to keep stumbling over the same traps.

At the end of the day, it’s really not the devil I’m fighting against, but myself. I have a tendency to stand in my own way.

An Investment

While doing my daily devotion I came across Isaiah5:2-5 and it made me realize how much of investment we are to God. In the scripture it talks about how a man did all the work to prune and keep up his vineyard and he was expecting it to yield grapes, but in return he got wild grapes.

Everyday along our walk with God he is constantly pruning us and preparing us for the things to come that we will have to face one day. God puts things in us because he wants us to be prepared. But once God puts something in you, you have a responsibility. You have officially become an investment, because now God expects that you’re going to do something good with what he has put in you. He’s expecting that through you, the next person might see God’s spirit and then ultimately he gets the glory through your life and obedience.

God expects that whatever he put in you is going to yield something greater. He puts things in us  with an expectation to be fruitful. (Whether it’s a gift he has given us, or a certain spirit to face difficult situations. ) If God has given us something and we sit around and don’t make use of it, then we’re hindering God from getting his glory through our lives. It’s not simply that God has invested in us, but we should invest in ourselves and our own salvation. We should be intentional with the things God gives us.  We can’t be wasteful with the Lord’s assignment for our lives, especially when he has given us the proper tools. Then there is no excuse that we can’t execute what he has asked of us.

When God has put something in us, it becomes a test to see how we handle the things he has entrusted us with. How we handle the simple things he gives us, says a lot about our relationship with God himself.  For those who really do have a sound relationship with God they’re going to treat whatever God gives them with great care. They will realize they can’t let it go to waste; even if it is something small. But for those who don’t understand that we’re an investment they will easily waste what God has given them without even realizing its true value to their salvation.

 

Married to an Angel… an exert

An exert from a  recent  love story I was inspired to write

Married to an Angel: The prelude

He held her face between his hands as she silently wept. Her heart was breaking and there was nothing he could to save her from the pain.

“You fix this right now Noah!” she yelled through tears of confusion and hurt.

“I can’t. I don’t make the rules Elizabeth,” he replied as he wiped the tears than ran down her face.

“Well aren’t there exceptions for love?” Elizabeth asked still in tears.

“Angels weren’t meant o fall in love,” Noah replied. He pulled her hair behind her ears and lightly rubbed her cheek. Elizabeth grabbed his hand and kissed his fingers gently.

“But you’re my angel. Don’t go. I love you,” she said.

“I love you too,” Noah smiled. He looked into her hazel eyes and could feel a longing he’d known for years. The very pull of her soul that had drawn her to him in the first place.

“This isn’t supposed to happen!” Elizabeth said and pulled away from Noah’s grasp.  “I’ve spent my whole life waiting for you, just to lose you? Noah,….I can’t,” she said angrily through more tears. She began to shake her head no,  in disbelief hoping it was all just a bad dream.

“NO!” she said and angrily threw her fist at Noah’s chest. “Tell me you’ll stay Noah! Or I won’t forgive you,” she yelled angrily.

“I never meant for this to happen this way, but you have to let me go,” Noah replied hugging her tightly to his chest.

“I won’t,”  Elizabeth replied. She was holding on to him with all her might. Her arms were tightly wrapped around him. “Noah, please don’t do this to me,” she pleaded one last time through tears.

“I love you don’t ever forget that,” Noah replied and gave Elizabeth one final kiss. It was a kiss she’d grown familiar with over the years, but now it would be one she would soon forget moments after. She opened her eyes and exhaled and Noah was gone.

 Elizabeth won’t remember anything that happened once the sun rises. It will seem like time stopped to erase all memories of her and Noah.

……..

When Elizabeth woke up the next morning she rolled over in bed expecting someone to be there. But the bed was empty. She sat up in bed feeling weary from her dream. It had felt so real, and for five minutes she had to convince herself that she hadn’t forgotten something.

Trusting God with the Unknown

In my last two days of devotion, I’ve come across scriptures that have both talked about leaving everything behind in order to follow God. This is something I myself have struggles with. I’m learning that part of the reason some people can’t completely serve God is because they’re too busy trying to bring along their own baggage when God has told us to bring nothing. (Mark 6:7-11)

Part of the journey with God is being able to trust that whatever we need, he will provide. However letting all your old ways go, also means getting rid of your worldly security; the things we once found comfort in. But the test is that God wants you to find security in him. We often use the things that seem familiar as “crutches” and it leaves no room for God to do his job. If we carry around “safety-nets” then it not only blocks God, but it’s a sign we don’t trust him.

It seems so much easier to cling to our old ways than to allow God to show us a new way. It can be an un-nerving experience to leave behind everything you once knew and embrace something unfamiliar.  This is where faith is supposed to kick in. When we cling to the familiar things, it’s almost like telling God his ways aren’t good enough for us. We don’t have enough trust in him to know that he has our best interest at heart.

The biggest part of being able to trust God is denying ourselves first. (Mark 8:34) I’m learning that the journey with God is less about me and more about God’s glory and plan. When the Lord says bring nothing, he wants you as is. Stripped of everything; only then will we be forced to depend on him. If we try to  bring all this extra stuff along the journey, then we’ll always have a Plan B and never be fully convinced that God’s way is best.

Stand Firm

Ever since the first episode of the Glee Project, I’ve felt inspired. Maybe it was because as a creative person, I admire those who go after their dreams. For those of you who don’t know what the Glee Project is, it’s a competition show on Oxygen where 12 young people get to compete for a chance to do a guest appearance on season 3 of Glee this fall. Each week contestants are given a challenge to complete along with a video shoot. Every episode,  three people are put in the bottom and one person is eliminated after doing a last chance performance in front of the judges  to save themselves.

Last night’s episode really hit home with me. One of my favorite contestants since the show began had been Cameron. For me Cameron was this kid who was awkward but cool. He seemed very comfortable with who he was and particularly his beliefs. During the show he was very articulate about his faith in God and how his mother raised him as a Christian. For the last few episodes Cameron was put in a tight spot because the challenges involved expressing sexuality and at times he felt it tested his beliefs and what he was comfortable with.

In last nights episode while doing a video shoot for Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” he decided not to kiss his partner  Hannah, which cost him being in the bottom 3.  This was the 3rd time he’d been in the bottom three for not  wanting to compromise his beliefs. But I wasn’t surprised. The shocking part is that after he did his last chance performance, he asked to go home. He told the judges he didn’t think that the show was for him anymore. I was very inspired by his conviction to stick to what he believed in. During the episode he even mentioned that he didn’t want to let the industry change who he was and that it was important he stick to his beliefs. The best part is that one of the judges went backstage to convince him to stay, and Cameron still decided to go home. The judge said to him “It’s a shame, your character could have touched a lot of people,” and soon as he said that in my mind I was like he just did, because this all hit home with me. After making his decision Cameron felt like he had no regrets and that something in him knew he would be alright.

After I saw this I wanted to shout! I could hear God speaking to me through Cameron’s situation. God was telling me to stop making compromises and to stand more firm in my faith. I have a problem with making compromises to make other people happy. But soon enough you make enough compromises and you start to change who you are. Cameron’s situation showed me that God comes first always. In the end although Cameron walked away from a great offer he felt like he was more proud with himself for standing firm in his beliefs and staying true to his faith.

In my own situation I feel like in the last year I’ve allowed a lot of things to change me and I’ve made a lot of compromises that have caused me to become someone I’m not always comfortable with. This summer since my car accident God has really been showing me that the person I was, is not who he made me to be. He has higher standards for me and I don’t have to settle just to please other people. In the end, people will always have their opinion about you, but their opinions don’t make or break you.

Cameron from The Glee Project

Below is the video of Cameron talking with Ryan Murphy about his decision to leave Glee Project