I have this fear that I have been living the last year of my life in a cycle. Some of the same signs are there and the situations are similar, yet instead of me avoiding what I know is to come; things happen. And it’s almost as if I feel like I don’t have control enough to prevent it from happening all over again.
I know that consistency is a big issue for me and I believe that one of the main reasons, that history seems to be repeating itself is because I’m inconsistent in certain areas of my life; particularly with my relationship with God. It’s like sometimes I go hard and I stay in God face, but then after a while distractions come and I start to slip away.
I guess my biggest concern right now is that with everything I’m going through, that I don’t want to loose myself or my sense of peace. And I’m really having trouble holding onto them both. It makes me really nervous and frustrated to know that I’m loosing grip on them both, because both of these are key things in my life.
I spent most of my summer finding a peace I had lost and now to think that it could be slipping away, is frustrating me. I’m really hard on myself and I expect more of myself in this type of situation. I feel like I’ve been here before, so why do I keep falling into the same traps? Lately there’s been a pull in my spirit because of my inconsistency. There’s a battle within myself and I know there are decisions in my life that need to be made. Until I do, then this pull is only going to grow stronger and I won’t be able to avoid it.
God is truly showing me with the recent distractions in my life, that the only way this cycle will end is if I let some things go in my life. Letting things and people go has also been a big issue for me. I struggle in this area. The things I’m trying to avoid are the things I’m constantly around by “default” so to speak (it comes with the territory of the lifestyle I’m currently living) and right now I need to cut some ties because I don’t want my progress I made this summer to be in vain. I’m the type of person, I hate going in circle; it frustrates me. My mindset is too progressive to keep stumbling over the same traps.
At the end of the day, it’s really not the devil I’m fighting against, but myself. I have a tendency to stand in my own way.