I just realized I haven’t written much of anything this month. Forgive me. I’ve been slacking, for a number of reasons. Never the less, today I have something to share.
This past Sunday my pastor preached on John16:1-15 and the title of his message was “Don’t Let Your Sorrow Block the Holy Spirit.” Some the main verses he focused on were 1, 4,7, 12-15. Part of his message was also about us allowing God to fill us with the Holy Spirit in order to guide us through our spiritual walk .
He also talked about the spirit of “offense.” Sometimes we can become so offended by a person or situation, that we trip ourselves up and we don’t ever get back up, even though God has already warned us that offenses will come. (Verse 1,4). One thing my Pastor said that stuck with me was that we must get up and still function after the trip up. The offense is over, but we’re still down there where we fell and life is moving on without us, while we still stuck on the offense.
When my Pastor said get out of the spirit of offense, I heard God tell me to come out of my pain. I often find myself dwelling on my past pain, and God was telling me to move on and let it go. I mean I’ve been dwelling on pain from 2010; especially with guys. Even the pain and disappointment with my mother and our relationship; ALL OF IT! God was telling me to let it go once and for all and don’t keep holding onto it.
I’ve always wanted to share and write about what I’ve been through, but God told me I have to write about the experience in the right spirit. I’m not there quite yet. If the pain is over, if I’ve made the mistake 2 years ago and God has allowed me to move on, He’s shifted my life to better things; then why am I still upset? Why do my thoughts still dwell on old pain? I mean, these are serious questions I had to ask myself.
I realized that I’m selfish when I’m in my pain. That I like to play the victim, as if I was so “hurt.” Part of me likes running to other people to vent on my pain. But it’s always the same old thing I’ve been stuck on for over 2 years now. I want people to listen to me vent, but I know they have to get tired of hearing me cry about the same old thing. It’s the same old thing that I can’t change because it’s already happened and God has told me to get over it and let it go. Plus what’s the point in venting and getting advice if I was never obedient.
I really had to come to that conclusion and be real with myself. It’s a hard pill to swallow because it sounds like a stupid way of thinking. If you don’t allow God to put your pain and offense in perspective, then you may start to feel like you’re a victim and you have a “right” to feel upset. But what I’ve endured the last 2 years is nothing compared to what God went through. Plus most of the time, I brought the offense upon myself, so who can I really be mad at but me?
And even in that God is telling me to stop being mad at myself; especially considering He forgave me a long time ago. I know that I struggle with being really hard on myself. Even after God has forgiven me, I still find myself upset that I even allowed something to happen because I know better. I get disappointed in myself for making the same dumb mistakes and falling into the same traps.
But a lot of the times, staying in my pain was my way of trying to find reasons to justify why I felt a certain way. I was holding onto the hurt because part of me enjoyed when people felt sorry for me and wanted to comfort me in my pain. But now God is saying you don’t need any more comforting. Especially considering none of the comforting changed anything. Even after comforting most of the time, my behavior was the same. It’s time for some tough love. Get up out of your pain and move on! Plain and simple. God is trying to take me somewhere, but part of me can’t move because I’m still stuck on where I tripped at; 2 years ago.
Even in wanting to share my story, I have to be mindful that in revisiting those moments, I don’t get stuck there again in my mind. Ultimately it’s not about me and what I went through, but the bigger picture is that God allows us to experience pain with a greater purpose. A lot of the times, I learned a lot about myself through my pain and God pushed me closer to him in my pain. It was through my pain God really showed me who he was.
Admitting that part of you likes pain, isn’t easy. Trust me, I was partly ashamed when I finally realized it. But my actions and my track record surely prove me otherwise. I must like pain to some extent if I’ve been falling in the same traps God has been telling me about over and over again; especially with men. (And anyone who’s been reading my blogs or even just knows me personally, knows men are a big struggle for me..)
The biggest thing I have to remember is that whatever God has told me to let go, he doesn’t need that to make me. Also it’s one thing to want to share my story with other people, but it’s not meant for me to share my story and play like I was a victim either. I can’t allow my offense to block the spirit in which something needs to be received and understood.
By the time my pastor got through preaching, his title really made sense. I understood that part of me dwelling on my pain was hindering me from fully experiencing God in all that he has to give. Healing is one of those things. Although I’ve dealt with the pain in my own way through venting, writing etc, it’s God’s time to heal me his way once and for all.