The feeling of instability has always scared me. It’s something I’ve had to deal with since my childhood. Things in my past were always “up in the air” so to speak. We moved a lot because we were on the run from domestic abuse. As a child, I never realized the fear this created in me.
I said all of that to say, that as I got older I started to live a life of control once I felt I was able to take care of myself. For years, I’ve always been a great planner and making sure things go from point A to point B. At times I can even be slightly annal about it. I’ve just always thought I was an organized and orderly person. But recently I’ve realized some of this control comes out of fear. I don’t ever want to feel the fear of instability that I felt as a child when I was younger. So I’m always trying to make sure I know what’s happening next, or what direction I’m trying to move forward in.
Often I cross a fine line between genuinely being a strategic planner and simply planning to be in control. God brought it to my attention a few days ago, when I was sitting at work and my mind began going on this tangent about some weekend plans I had. I kept trying to figure out how I was going to make my busy schedule work. My Saturday was full and in my head I kept trying to piece the pieces together of getting from one place to the next and being sure I had enough time in between to simply breathe. Maybe I was doing too much, or maybe God was teaching me a lesson.
When I sat down with all of that going on in my brain, on top of work related tasks I was I had to complete; I became so overwhelmed. I literally had to go outside, take a deep breathe, get some fresh air and walk away from my desk. My mind felt really cloudy. I had to say a small prayer for God to take control of my mind and give me a sense of peace. Sometimes, the controlling part of me can easily get upset when I feel like I’ve put all my thought and effort into planning and then it doesn’t go how I thought it would.
Time for a “side note” to help connect:
So, my pastor has been doing a series of sermons on fighting the good fight of faith. (Hebrews 12:1-5) One of the key things he’s spoken on is making sure we fight the right battles. So, slowly God is showing me that no matter how much I plan that sometimes things will be out of my control. But, in that I have to learn to trust him and know that he’s still going to work things out for the greater good. Control is a big battle I’ve had in my walk with God. I only realized 2 years ago that it was actually a problem. So, daily God has to work on easing my mind and helping me lower my defense in this area.
I’ve learned that trying to out think God will leave you scatterbrained. It’s important to remember that God is all knowing. I think about the scripture in Matthew 6:26-27 where it talks about how God takes care of the birds and that if God is concerned with making sure birds are fed, how much more would he take care of our needs? We never see the birds stressing out about how their needs will be met, right? Everything we need or could ever want, is already in His will for us.
If you struggle with control like me, stop what you’re doing now and say this small prayer: God, help me to release control and trust you to guide my life. Help me not be scared to lose control to gain more faith in my relationship with you. Amen.
I know, it can be scary. Trust me I know. It can even almost be frightening in a sense. The idea of letting someone else fight for you and not know their every move, or which way they’re going to take you in life. But what I’ve learned is that God is trying to show me that without him I can’t do anything. Literally, me making plans doesn’t solidify anything if it truly isn’t part of God’s will. But God allows me to experience moments such as this one to slowly “break me” in a sense; to help soften my heart and my defense in this area. I’m so glad that he does things out of love to help me grow, and for that I say thank you and amen.
xoxoxo – #Learning to Release