Feeling the Punch

Today marks my first day getting back into morning prayer with my mentor. We previously prayed together during the summer and then eventually things just kind of fell off. But during that season of prayer,  things in my life were at a steady pace and I found myself much more connected and at peace with God. I had built up this new stamina in God. However, considering the events of the last month of my life and my emotional state, I found it necessary to reconnect with God in this area of my life. I wanted to get back to the sweet place I was with God where nothing seemed to phase my joy and peace with the Lord.

When we woke up this morning at 5:45am, everything in me wanted to scream why?! I know I needed prayer but to pull myself out of bed was not easy by any means. But what I can say is, it was much needed. Considering everything I’ve been going through the last month and feeling weighted down, prayer this morning was really helpful. There were moments during prayer I felt doubtful because my flesh was just tired, but throughout my day I have noticed it’s made a big difference in the flow of my day.

My plan is to continue to pray with her every morning leading up to a poetry show I have in early February. My life has been so weighted the last month, I had issues even creating content for the poetry show. I know that a lot of what’s been happening has been my fault, but what I can say is there’s something in me that’s not trying to go down without a fight. It’s like ” Alright God, I give. You win.” …Of course.

I may have my moments where I stray from God and be foolish, but ultimately I can’t deny that he has my heart. I can’t stay away for long. Even if getting back to him, feels like a drag I’m willing to push on through. This is why I requested to pray with my mentor, so that I could have another believer help me. Someone stronger than me, who could help push me to grow. I know I wasn’t going to be able to do it alone.

I almost felt like I was getting back on a bike for the first time after falling off. Sometimes all it takes it getting back up and trying again. It’s kind of like when Jesus helped the man in John get up from by the pool of water. (John5:1-15) Jesus asked the man did he want to be made whole, and initially the man gave Jesus excuses. And for a moment that’s where I was. I knew God was telling me to get back to my prayer life so that I could strengthen my relationship with him. But I kept giving him all these excuses and just being lazy.

After hearing the man’s excuse, God simply told the man to get up and walk without giving into his pity party. Which is exactly where I am. God is not trying to hear all my excuses, he just wants me to obey him and trust him. Most of the times, getting up isn’t the problem, it’s renewing our mind that gets us.

Don’t get me started on that. Still meditating on Romans 12:1-2 which my pastor happen to preach on yesterday. I do believe God was speaking loud and clear.

So, as I go through my month of prayer with my mentor, one of my prayers is to renew my mind daily. Literally, surrendering all my thoughts to him daily, so that I can take on more of God’s will for my life. When the devil knocks you down, he gets you in your mind first before anything physical actually manifest. But if we’re surrendering our minds daily to God, it leaves little room for the devil to play.

And so this is where I am. Feeling the punch, but willing to fight back. I’ve had a taste of peace with God that I’m willing to fight for. I can’t just back down so easily. Not this time. We’ve all had our moments where we’ve drifted from God, but if we really love Him, he always finds a way to reel us back to him. And regardless of the foolishness I may get myself into at times, I’m not crazy; I know ultimately with God is where my true safety lies.