The last few months of my life have been quite the fight and quite the journey. I’m learning more and more that God is willing to be faithful even if in the process our flesh and emotions must suffer in order for God to get us where he really wants us.
Emotionally, I don’t think I could be stretched any further. Between family, friendships, co-workers and relationships, I feel like I might as well draw blood. In the last few months it’s like God has been shutting some doors, while trying to open others and in between the fight with getting myself together has been realer than real. I have no words for it.
But as I look back, and I think about my prayers and the word that has been spoken through my pastor, my spiritual mentors and just my own devotion with Christ, God is answering my prayers and everything is aligning with his will. Now, the only problem is, I’m realizing that when he answers my prayers, his answer doesn’t always comes as I might expect. But when it does come, I’m learning to bow. And my God, it’s hard. Especially when your flesh hopes for one answer and God gives you another. I’ve spent the last month of my life constantly reminding myself…” no good thing will God withhold from me.” And I also have to remind myself that “good” is defined by God’s standard and not mine.
With the doors that have been shut in my face, although emotionally it hurts ( and one door was a fight to close for almost 3 years of my life) I’m learning to surrender to God in the process. I’m learning to be thankful for the closed doors and know that if God is closing a door, it’s for a greater reason up the road.
It’s like recently, I believe that God has been setting up situations to tire out my flesh. To help me tire out of trying to do things my way and just wait on God to give it to me vs. me trying to get it my way. Especially with men and relationships and even in my career goals. I mean, I’m reaching the point where I’m like..okay God. I give. Take control.
And ultimately that’s what he wants. A full surrenderance and a heart that’s willing to submit to him and his way. But let me be honest, working the “old you” out of your system is always a work in progress. And just because you find out one more area about yourself that has to be refined, doesn’t mean you discount everything else God has already worked on. Loving God is this progressive thing that allows you room to grow and mature as you go along. It’s not about being perfect. But about being willing and honest before Christ.
But truly amidst all the emotional draining and spiritual fighting, God has been faithful in the things that he has spoken and when God speaks, I’m learning to bow…even if it hurts with tears in my eyes. Whatever he has spoken it is so and I’d much rather cry my tears before God who is my father and I know he loves me, than cry tears later down the road because I got into something I wasn’t ready to handle or got into a relationship without the proper foundation.
And to that I say amen.