Russian Roulette

I’m sure many people are familiar with the game Russian Roulette. You put one bullet in the chamber, and hope that when you pull the trigger the gun doesn’t go off and essentially kill you. It’s a game of chance and you never know when the gun could go off. You could potentially kill yourself and many people have.

So what happens as you pull the trigger, pull the trigger and nothing happens. Maybe the first 2 times you think you’ve escaped, but then the third time you pull the gun and aren’t so lucky and now you’re dead.

The game of Russian Roulette can very much parallel our walk with Christ. So, you’re saved and there’s no question as far as your salvation is concerned. However, you still have a few areas God is cleaning you up in. Naturally, that’s part of our walk with God. He takes us in and cleans us up. Now, some areas have been easier to clean up than others, no problem. But then you have this one area that God keeps trying to work on, but you keep failing the test.

Multiple times God has helped clean you up in this area. He’s given you strategy on how to be delivered and free in this area of your life. He’s allowed you to be free, come out but then you go back and get all dirty again. His grace and mercy has kept you covered even when you go back. We like to call it a “struggle” and for some people I believe that’s true, but if you’re like me you’ve moved beyond the struggle and now it’s a matter of your choice to obey God.

So I’ve had the same struggle for 5 years now with men. For years I’ve been using men for all the wrong reasons. Being in relationships because I’m lonely. Wanting a man to take responsibility for what my dad didn’t do.  Using a man for comfort and sex when I’m hurt and upset. Just failing miserably in all my relationships.  And through it all, God has truly kept me covered. God has pulled me out, snatched me out and yet I’ve still gone back to unhealthy relationships. God has given me opportunities to walk away from it all, yet I go back. God has cleaned me up, healed my broken heart and then I turn around and go back and my heart gets broken again.

Every time I go back; here I go praying for God to cover me. I know I’m wrong. Help me God. I know better. I’m stupid, I know the right thing to do. God, I know you want better from me. But the truth is…the only reason I go back is because I keep hoping God will keep taking me back and cleaning me up every time I decide I want to step out and get dirty And something in me expects that he will, when honestly God’s grace and mercy is a privilege we often take for granted.

Now, if we get offended when someone cheats on us and then comes crawling back after the other person dogged them out and they want us to take them back and act like nothing ever happened; then why do we believe this is acceptable spiritually with Christ

How many of us love to say “Oh, God knows my heart.” ? And he does. According to Jeremiah 17:9 (KJV)  “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

So, I’ve been going back and forth for years. Running to a man, then running to God to clean me up and heal my broken heart. And I’ve had some things to happen that have shook me, but apparently nothing that shook me enough. I’ve had multiple STD’s and several pregnancy scares; yet 5 years…same cycle same mountain.

Today as I was writing in my journal about my current situation with a guy, I heard God say to me “How many times will you play Russian Roulette with me?” What happens when God doesn’t come to my rescue like I thought he would and I really have to sit and deal with the consequences of my choice even when I knew better. What happens the moment, when the gun finally goes off? If I die, who’s fault is it?

So then I was lead to the familiar scripture in Romans 6:15 (amplified) “What then are we to conclude? Shall we sin because we live not under the Law, but under God’s favor and mercy? Certainly not!

Essentially, don’t take God’s grace on your life for granted. My pastor once said, just because God has allowed you to “get away” with something, doesn’t mean he’s pleased with your actions. And it definitely doesn’t mean judgement won’t come. The day it comes we’ll least expect it, and when it comes it will be final. ( 2 Corinthians 5:10)

Think about it: What could be that “boom” moment for you? The thing you keep doing, but one day if God lifts his hand off and forces you to deal with the consequences. Think of all the times God has allowed you to “escape” something, but this time you’re caught. Is it an unwanted pregnancy outside of marriage? Is it a moment of driving drunk and you cause a deadly car accident? Whatever it is, don’t wait for the “boom” to put the gun down.

Galatians 5:13 (Amplified) “For you brethren were indeed called to freedom; only do not let your freedom be an incentive to your flesh and an opportunity or excuse for selfishness but through love you should serve one another.

Think of all the times God has spared us from our own foolishness and yet what have we learned? The question isn’t so much about God bringing us out because of grace, but in coming out of the situation with a transformed mindset. Has your mind been transformed or has the devil allowed you to think you’re really “getting away” with is all?

Romans12:1-2 (NLT) ” 1. And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

The only way we’ll be able to put the gun down and not pull the trigger is with a renewed mindset of Christ. Having a renewed mind helps us to see things as Christ sees them.

The moment when you pull the trigger and die, the moment when you get in something you can’t get out of so easily don’t blame God. Especially considering God always provides us with a window of escape and a way out, he gives us chance after chance.

The space that God gives us to get it together is different for everyone. For me it’s been 5 years way overdue, for someone else it might be 5 months, 3 years, 7 days. God gives us each our own unique opportunity to get it together on our own. Whatever the space may be, you don’t want to waste that time walking in darkness when light has been revealed. (John3:19)

He can’t force us to stop drinking, he can’t force us to stop having sex outside of marriage, he can’t force us to stop stealing; but God always gives us plenty of space to back up and get our minds together. So when you kill yourself, don’t blame God.

I wrote a poem a while back called “Spiritual Suicide” and essentially every time we drift away from God to “do our own thing” we basically commit spiritual suicide. We separate ourselves further and further from Christ every time we enter into sin knowingly. (Romans 6:11-13). Bit by bit, sin damages us from the inside out.

So the next time we hear God asking us to walk away from something, or to let go of someone, we have to ask ourselves, is what we’re dealing with worth dying for? Is it worth us committing spiritual suicide?  Too often the thing we’re trying to hold onto so bad, ends up being the thing that leads to our own death.

It’s not always easy, but it starts with changing our perspective.  It definitely hasn’t been easy for me, but I want to keep anyone who reads this encouraged. Our real life is in Christ, so there’s nothing worth holding onto more than him and all that he has to offer.