As I rode the bus to work this morning, I pulled out my phone and went to one of my favorite passages in the Bible: Romans 8. I enjoy the book of Romans in general, I find myself venturing there quite often in my moments of need. Lately it seems that I’ve been drifting in and out of my relationship with God and I can’t seem to get my footing back to be as anchored as I once was. However, consistently God keeps sending me reminders of why he saved me and why I have to keep fighting until I get it right.
Flipping through my phone I discovered I had a note attached to the scripture: Romans 8: 5-6
After reading this I realized how much I had lost my focus of where God really wants me to be. My focus had come so consumed with pleasing my flesh and my own selfish desires that I was slowly forgetting about all the things God has been asking me to do. (Funny how this also seems to correlate with TD Jakes message about Focusing and I read this scripture before I saw the video today…#Confirmation)
I had been running from so much out of pain and fear; not wanting to deal with my emotions. The last few months I found myself trying to use different things to cover up, or put a band-aid on pain I wasn’t ready to deal with. But at the end of it all, the sting has to be felt to get some healing. Sometimes healing takes pain and that’s just life. Sometimes, it just cannot be avoided; we just have to trust that in the hands of God our pain has purpose.
So the last few months I’ve found myself looking at life through my own selfish outlook. I got caught up in trying to “make career” moves, and settling to date someone because I wanted to be married and for a moment in time I literally felt like they were my only option. They had been putting up with me for almost three years; why not? Just totally ignoring all the previous warning signs built up from all the time we’ve been together. And totally disregarding I had walked away from this person a few months prior. My life has felt like this world wind of thoughts lately.
Anytime I find myself overwhelmed or always thinking about this move, and the next move; more than likely the spirit is no longer shaping my outlook. It’s my flesh looking to be soothed. The devil often tries to get me in my thoughts because naturally I’m a planner. But sometimes in my planning I try to control, so if I’m not careful the enemy allows me to become consumed with planning that I miss living the present life God wants me to live. TD Jakes said something in his video series on destiny that seems perfect to insert here: ” too often we’re so in love with tomorrow, but we’re neglecting where we are today.”
In a nutshell that describes my situation exactly! I had become so consumed with planning my future and the person I thought I wanted to be, that I was neglecting to work on me now, in the present. If I’m not able to nip some of my spiritual unrest NOW, then there’s no point in planning for where I want to be. At this rate I may never get there, leaving it to my own mind I’d probably mess it up before I got there! I was literally focusing on self-destructive thoughts; not even realizing it.
For the last few months I’ve really felt like I’ve had spiritual ADD. In and out, in and out..trying to stay saved, then wanting to do my own thing. Man…if only you knew how tiring that has been and how much more energy that takes than to stay with God and trust him. Now I’m not saying I’m perfect and I’m not saying I will get this right tomorrow.
But what I am saying is that God has allowed a moment to happen where I’m able to reckon with his truth and finally begin to settle and deal with it. That he’s allowing his truth to refocus my outlook on life.