Self-Sabotage: Too Much Too Soon

**Another old post I dug up out of my drafts (November 2011) and felt the message was still relevant. Short, simple and to the point. Pay attention ladies this one is for you!**

If a man isn’t treating you how you want to be treated as a woman, it would seem to make sense to leave him alone and find someone else who actually appreciates you and builds you up to be a better woman.  But so often, this is easier said than done. I’ve seen so many women (including myself)  who would rather settle for a guy and compromise their own value, than realize that they deserve better.

My mother text me something today and it’s been on my mind all day: “Learn to stand on what you say or no one will respect you.” And this made me realize I don’t want to keep compromising what I really want in a man. Everytime I compromise I loose a sense of respect, and I also let myself down because I’m not upholding my own standards.  If I can’t uphold my own standards, then I can’t expect the guy I’m trying to be with either. You can’t ask someone to do anymore than you’re able and willing to do yourself.

Another thing I realized is that too often we sabotage ourselves when it comes to relationships. Many of us (again, myself included) will give a guy too much, too soon and then try and take it back. But once we’ve allowed ourselves to be open to someone, it’s done. You can’t have that moment back. Before you give a guy anything, being it physical or even emotional, make sure they’re worthy enough to share it with you and that they’ll be able to appreciate what you have to share. Otherwise, they’ll take what you’re sharing and use it to their advantage, leaving you at a disadvantage.

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Day 10: Full

I know I’m late with this posting, but I just came in from church service. The spirit was really high and I’m full off of God’s word. Truly the message was a blessing.

God is getting ready to do some great things, but there are still some areas that need cleaning up, some mindsets that I still have to change. God is telling me that I keep telling myself that some small habits are “ok” and that I still don’t do some things I used to, but he’s saying THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! He expects more from me because he’s put more potential in me. He says I’m getting too comfortable, thinking that I’m doing “ok”, when really I’m settling. I’m not pushing myself like I should be, I’m not challenging myself like I should be. It’s time to clean up and adjust to God’s standards.

Honestly I didn’t even get a chance to read my scripture for today. I had been out running around all day, and basically went straight to church. For Day 11 post I will have to do two scriptures to make up for me missing out today. But I will share with you all the scripture from tonight’s service and pray that it’s as much of a blessing to you as it was to me!

Psalm 119: 63-73 and Luke22:31-32

Lord, where do I begin!? It seems too much to sum up. I’ll just list a few key points from my notes tonight

*Although we may never be perfect, we can strive to have a “perfect” heart. A heart of flesh that listens to God when he speaks and takes heed to his word without resistance. The devil will try to make you strive to be perfect, something you’ll never be able to attain anyways, because NO ONE is PERFECT!

*All the pain and hard times we go through are to help cultivate our heart in God. He’s molding us on a journey, making us into who he needs us to be in order for us to be used for his purpose.

*Sometimes we need the affliction or the trouble we go through to tame our flesh. The tough times are to whip the flesh and get it in order with God’s purpose. “Hurt me to help me grow God.” You can’t grow until you’ve been through something yourself to really KNOW!

*God speaks future. He calls you by what you aren’t, even though you’re destined to be it and may not be it right now. He sees where you will be, not just the start you’re in right now.

*The Lord will wrestle with you to bless you. He’s not giving up on you until he gets you where he needs you to be.

*Covenant relationships are joined together for God’s purpose. Everyone has their place and plays their role. There’s an order that follows through this kind of relationship. Anytime it doesn’t follow, dysfunction occurs. When people don’t understand the role God gave them to play in the relationship.

*In Luke it talked about how the devil asked for Peter, and God simply prayed for Peter’s faith to not fail. Your faith in God is what pulls you through the tough trials. Steadily depending on God despite everything else that may be going on good or bad.

*Matthew 13: 24-30 (an extra scripture my pastor referenced)  talks about the wheat and the tare, how at some point they both look alike. But it’s not until after they’ve grown together at the end that God will harvest the true wheat and the tare will be left behind to be burned. But it takes time. Some things if we ever wonder if it’s God, we should just sit back and let things flow and slowly God will weed things out and show you what’s him and what’s not. But patience is key. Can’t always be in a hurry.

*Sometimes when God says no, it may mean “No, not right now”. He still may have some working to do on you before he allows that door to be opened. He doesn’t want you to get ahead of yourself, so he slows you down for a moment. God can’t be rushed when he is doing his work!

*Ultimately God wants an eternal yes from us. This begins with getting a love for God’s word and nothing else.

I wish there was some way I could stream live tonight’s service. There was so much wisdom and word to soak up and take home. I know that sometimes he does recordings of his messages. So maybe if I buy that CD I could upload it on here… I mean my notes are good, but hearing it for yourself will just  truly be a blessing.

Birthed Out of Pain

Today in church, part of my Pastor’s message dealt with certain desires we have that can be birthed out of pain.  Sometimes as Christians, we tend to do certain “worldly things” to medicate ourselves( make ourselves “feel” better).  Meaning we sometimes find things to cater to our own fleshly desires, instead of abstaining from it. One of the  reasons we may do this is because, most of the time, there was something we never got growing up, so when we get older we obsess to make sure we have whatever we didn’t get then.(This is one among many reasons, but no matter what the reason it can all be labeled as dysfunction & pain.)

Say when you were younger, your parents may not have shown you enough affection and affirmation. When you grew older, it may have been something in you obsessed with making sure you got the affection and affirmation you wanted, even if it wasn’t the affection and affirmation you needed.

What ends up happening is that ultimately, if we get so caught up in fulfilling the desire, the desire becomes the thing that drives our life and we begin to operate out of pain. Sometimes we’re able to admit to the pain, but other times (as in my case) you can be so far in, you don’t even realize you’re hurt to begin with.

When it comes to men, anyone who knows me well can tell you it’s an area I struggle in. Whenever I find that I really like someone, things just seem to go wrong. For a long time I kept thinking maybe I just attract certain men and I couldn’t ever particularly figure out why. This is a question I’ve constantly asked myself especially within the last 2-3 years of my life. It’s seems at times to be different guy, same scenario. Clearly there’s an issue. So I began to examine the common denominator; me.

So in church today, my Pastor did an altar call about people living their lives out of their brokeness. And at first I sat in my seat thinking to myself, I’ve been to the altar before for my brokeness, I don’t need to go up there. But sitting in my sit there was something pressing me to go to the altar. And I kept thinking about my choices in how I tend to choose the guys I allow into my life. For a moment, I thought back to 2 years ago when I can honestly say I was truly broken emotionally after having to break a strong hold of being emotionally attached to someone I wasn’t meant to be with. I said to myself, I can’t still be “broken” over that and operating in my pain, that was so long ago and I felt like I’d let that go.

I had gone through my phase where I was angry and revengeful (without even realizing that’s what it was) and reached a dead-end only to realize I’d done more damage to myself than the other person I was trying to get back at. Long story short,  I’d finally forgiven that person and moved on.  The trick is, although the symptoms of pain were gone emotionally, mentally there was still something off. Hence why every guy I’ve been involved with since then it seems the same issue keeps happening. “Different guy, same scenario.”

The Lord has been truly working on me in this area of my life, and he’s been showing me multiple things I need to fix. But today when I went to the altar, I asked God was I still broken somewhere deep down inside and not aware of it. It was at the altar he revealed to me that I have been picking guys out of my pain. It’s not so much an emotional thing now, but a mental thing. The whole idea of how I perceive a relationship to be. For me relationships had always been about finding another person who’s going to care for me ,love me and be affectionate towards me. (All qualities that should be fulfilled in a relationship with God FIRST!) Now I understand there’s so much more to a relationship than simply having a “companion.” Being in a relationship requires maturity and responsiblity, not for yourself, but the other person. And how I’ve been operating in the last 2-3 years, I haven’t been receiving or giving this kind of quality.

Mentally I tell myself “this is what I want in a man..” but when it comes to actually finding the person I often settle because my mind continues to revert back to my original mindset with the guy from 2 years ago. Instead of looking for someone who actually meets my standards, I find people who cater to my dysfunction and I settle for the affection because it’s what’s pleasing to me RIGHT NOW. The true purpose of what God designed relationships for is so much deeper than us using other people to please out flesh’s desires.

So my challenge is that for the next guy who comes along, that I must truly evaluate the situation in a new light. I can’t look at this person with the same mindset about relationships I had 2 years ago.  I have to look at relationships with the mindset of God’s standards.  I must have faith in God’s standards, not my own. I can’t allow myself to settle because of the “right now”, but look past the temporal satisfaction.

Crazy Love Blog Post via Necole B.

Don’t know if anyone who follows this blog in particular has heard of Necole Bitchie, but she’s actually a pretty awesome entertainment blogger. I recently came across her original blog site “I am Necole” and there was a particular post that I read and it went along with my previous post about relationships, guys, etc. Sometimes when it comes to love, things can get a little crazy in that particular area.

 But I felt like I wanted to share the post and may enlighten other with what I read. I enjoyed the post and it got me to thinking about my own love life, so if you’re in an awkward place with love and relationships, read this blog and do a little reflection. It never hurts to do a little pondering on your own life every now and then, especially if you’ve ever  had to ask yourself “How did I end up like this?” Click on the link below to read the full blog post from IamNecole.com. I guess this also comes in hand with Valentine’s Day being right around the corner huh?

Necole Bitchie: Famous entertainment blogger

“Crazy Love” post from IAmNecole.com

Not That Kind of Girl: The Girls Who “Sleeps Around”

My grandmother was explaining to me how back when she was growing up  it seemed like young women had more pride about how they carried themselves. Young women used to be raised to not be so “free” with themselves. This is because back then, there were older women to plant seeds and set examples to keep the younger women on track. (There’s isn’t much of this in today’s time)

Young women back then were more conscious of themselves and what it mean to be a woman of God. Young women had more of a mystery about themselves; something deeper, given by God, that would intrigue others. Dating used to include a lot more boundaries that young men and women have gotten away from.

Young women back then, understood that their worth wasn’t simply their physical body. They knew that when it came to the men, they had a lot more to offer because God had given them something of a greater value on the inside beyond the physical. Being a woman was about the complete package: mind, body and soul.

Today a lot of young women are missing out on this key concept and instead they only believe that all they have to offer a man is the physical; their body. So many young women fall into the trap of constantly giving themselves to men and never really filling the void that was there to begin with. I believe that one reason young women sleep around is because they’re looking for answers. But what they don’t realize is the answer to the question is God.

Jeremiah 42:3-6, 19-22; 43:1-4 “Looking for an answer

Background scripture: Jeremiah 42

The people asked Jeremiah to pray to God for them and whatever God said, they would do. But once they got God’s answer, they rejected his word because they didn’t get the answer they were hoping for. There are some young women right now, looking for an answer. God has the answer they need, but they’d rather look to the world to give them the answer they want.  They’re looking for th answer that keeps feeding into their dysfunction.

A lot of young women sleep around to fill a void. They often feel like something is missing, but this void can only be filled by the love of God and his truth.  It seems as women we’re always looking to be “wanted”, we feel “lonely” or we’re “looking for love.” But it’s the perception of these concepts that are key.

Wanted“, by who? The world and people? Just so that they’ll turn around and reject you anyways. As a woman of God, your acceptance  shouldn’t be based on worldly standards. “Lonely”..why are we lonely when God’s presence is omnipotent? He hasn’t went anywhere. The question is where have you allowed your mind to wander off to? “Looking for love“..love as defined by who? The world? God is love, so there’s no excuse for that one. While we’re looking for something or someone to fill these voids and answer our questions,  all we have to do is open our eyes and see that God is the answer staring us in the face.

Titus 2: 1, 3-5Am I a Titus 2 woman?”

Background scripture: Titus 2

A church member of mine spoke on this topic at an evening service and I felt that it was relevant to the current topic. Too often we’re so busy giving ourselves to this other person hoping to fill a void, but do we ever stop to think about what are we giving away to begin with?

These verses give us a taste of how God wants us to carry ourselves as women, so that when God does allow the right man to come into our lives, you’ll be able to give him something other than the physical.

Proverbs 31: 10-31 “The virtuous woman”

I’m sure many of us are familiar with this scripture, but it’s one we should really take to heart as women of God. We must be a different breed of women, set apart for God’s purpose. There is a certain manner we must present ourselves in. When we decide to become intimate with another person, these are values that we should already have instilled in us, not be looking for the other person to impart these things in you. Allow God to impart these things into you before you so freely give it away to someone who won’t be able to appreciate it anyways. God has given you something precious and deep. Be responsible with your virtue. Don’t waste it on someone not worth it.

John 4:7-10, 13-15, 25-26 Quenching a Thirst (Woman at the Well)

My pastor preached on this and I feel like it can be applied to this current subject of giving ourselves away as young women. When we are constantly giving ourselves away to things of the world, we create an appetite. (It doesn’t just have to be men). In order to satisfy this “craving” or “thirst” we have, we look to the world to put an end to the thirst. While we’re  so busy “quenching our thirst” we forget that the thirst will only go away temporarily. (When you depend on the world as your source of “water”)

But God offers us a living water. When we allow God to truly enter into our lives, he’ll change our taste and our appetite for certain things. We should allow God to quench the drive in us to run after worldly things that can’t guarantee us anything. If we aren’t careful, using worldly things to “quench our thirst” can lead to habitual habits. If we quenched our thirst sleeping with men one time, the next time we get “thirsty” again, we’ll do the same thing.

A thirsty spirit can only be fully quenched by God. The thirst isn’t the issue. It’s natural for our souls to have desires and wants. But the real issue is how we quench the thirst. Know that no one can quench your soul like God. He puts an end to the thirst versus covering the thirst with dysfunction. God can quench a thirst so good that we won’t even look to the thing you were thirsty for in the first place the same ever again. Not only will God satisfy your thirst, but deliver your mind at the same time.

Mark 5:25-34 ” A Special Touch” (The woman with the issue of blood)

This particular scripture is for every young woman who feels that in order to feel wanted or loved, a man has to “touch” you in a certain way. There’s no amount of touching a man can ever do in the natural that compares to the touch of God in the spiritual. God’s touch is so much deeper. Why is it that we’ll allow other to be intimate with us and not really hesitate, but as soon as it comes to letting God fully into our lives, we hesitate?

When you’ve truly been touched by God, he leaves a mark on your life and I promise you, you’ll never be the same. In the natural you have to be careful in letting people get too intimate because you never know the spirit behind things. Before you know it, this “touch” could lead to an unexpected emotional stronghold. (Trust me, I’ve been there. It gets ugly)

Although man can give you a touch you want, it’s not the touch you need. A physical touch may temporarily fill a desire but it does nothing to feed your soul the proper nourishment. The touch God gives you works from the inside out. When God gets on the inside  he digs deep at the root of the problem. He’s not looking to help us cover up the pain or the hurt, but from touching you within, he’s beginning a healing process.  Just like the woman with the issue of blood know that it only takes God touching you once, to truly know there is nothing or no one like HIM.

Application: Before you decide to become intimate with the next person who comes into your life, ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I able to offer this person more than the physical?

2. Am I trying to fill a void?

3. What am I expecting to become of this?  (Will there be a future involved beyond the sex?)

Think about all the other qualities that make you the woman that  you are. Take the time to share these qualities with the other person. Allow the other person to get a chance to know you for who you are outside of the physical. The more a person know about you as a person, the more they will be able to appreciate the intimacy of being physical with you.

Make sure that you aren’t using the person to fill a void. And if you are, then spend more time reading God’s word and allowing HIS truth to pour into your soul and fill you up!

And also as “old school” as this may sound, the best thing to do is wait until marriage. I know that a lot of young women haven’t (myself included), but there’s nothing like preserving yourself for the right man sent by God. Otherwise if you keep simply dating with the intentions of “having fun”, then you’re going to end up blending in with every other girl. God set you part to be different. God has given us a standard and that’s what we should be striving for.

Give yourself some credit….

Be the woman God created you to be and never sell yourself  short of what you’re worth.  If a man is not going to uphold you as the woman God created you to be, then walk away because  you deserve better. Simple  and easy. As women we have more power than we give ourselves credit for.

An Uncomfortable Silence

I’m amazed at my current situation.  I’ve been talking to a guy for over a month and yet I feel like I still don’t have a good sense of who he is. I believe this has a lot to do with our lack of verbal communication. Everything else seems to be in line, but having conversations with each other is often like pulling teeth. It’s not that the conversations are bad, it’s that they aren’t frequent enough and when we do talk, it’s about basic things, nothing of real substance.

I’ve spent hours with this guy and sometimes  I won’t say  more than 3o words. But sometimes it’s moments where nothing needs to be said. I’m comfortable cuddling watching tv and enjoying the moment. But my issue is when the show is over, now what? He seems to be laid back and that’s cool, but maybe he’s a little too laid back.  This is really weird to me because honestly I’m not always a verbal person. I tend to internalize a lot of things and just observe, but at some point I need to be able to know that we’re capable of having a meaningful conversation. I actually want to open up to this guy, but I wish he would meet me half way!

This makes me wonder if maybe it was all just a physical attraction. Because physical attraction; we’re pretty much good on. He’s a very affectionate person and this is something that attracts me to him. But at the end of the day, physical attraction can’t keep me interested. But part of me believes this is how he mainly expresses himself as well. There are things he may not say verbally but his body lanuage gives him away everytime.  However the  lack of verbal communication is going to keep me fustrated. Some days we talk and the conversation flows really well, but other days things seem forced or static. If  we’re considering working towards an actual relationship where is the real  substance if we can’t properly communicate?

I know that communication is a two way street, but  I guess it doesn’t help that I’m the type of person that has to be mentally intrigued to get the conversation going. I’m not usually the conversation starter, but around the right person I easily get going.  I also beleive that maybe our lack in communication could also be due to the fact that we’re both genuinely quiet people and also neither one of us is very good at opening up to others. See my problem?

But I’ve decided that one of us has to be bold and I’m volunteering myself.  This is my opporutnity to try and really improve upon my verbal communication. It’s always been a problem I’ve had, especially with relationships. I’m trying to stay hopeful because luckily it’s a minor problem that can be fixed. And I’m also hoping that it kind of works itself out with more time. One would think the more time you spend with someone the more likely you are to open up to them. I understand those things take time, so part of it is having patience as well. It’s only been a little over a month so at this point, anything could happen. It’s still kind of early and everyone is different in how they warm up to people. I’m not expecting him to spill his whole life story to me within the next few weeks, but I do want him to be able to talk to me about something of substance, and vice versa for myself.