Truly God is amazing and this week I believe God has truly shown me just how great he can be. This week I have been challenged twice. One challenge dealt with my past and the other with my present.
The challenge from my past involved my ex-boyfriend of two years. He waited until a year after we broke up to confess that for the two years we were together, for the last year of our relationship he was cheating on me. And that the girl he was cheating with is now 4 months pregnant. And it wasn’t just any girl, but a girl I thought hated me because of what him and I had. I thought she was jealous of us and was always out to sabotage our relationship. Now, when I first heard the news I was shocked and a little disappointed. I had been made a fool of for a whole year! But for some reason, after I thought about the entire situation, of everything I went through with my ex, God wouldn’t allow me to be mad. Although the devil wanted to make it seem like he’d gotten the upper hand, God showed me the blessing.
If God hadn’t taken me out of that relationship then, I wouldn’t have been able to grow to where I am now. It was because of the pain from that relationship that I even made an attempt to seek God for peace and in the end I found so much more. And he also showed me, that I don’t have to settle for cheap living anymore, that his standards for me have changed. God has offered me a higher quality of living within in his will. And not only that, but even in the midst of the relationship with everything I went through with my ex, GOD kept me. Nobody but God, because Lord knows I could be in all kinds of trouble and drama right now. But that life wasn’t for me.
Now the other challenge involves the guy that I’ve been trying to let go since January. Once again, I had been doing well, not speaking to him, not texting him and I felt like I was getting closer to finally letting him go. But yesterday I had a moment in my flesh and found myself messing with dude once again. After the fact, I tried to brush it off, telling myself I was stupid and I needed to do better. I thought I could just go to bed and forget about it.
But all night I couldn’t get any sleep. I was very restless and kept tossing and turning. I couldn’t get comfortable for nothing. And all the while I’m tossing and turning what I had done earlier kept running through my mind. I tried to think about other stuff so I’d go to sleep but I couldn’t. I fought with God in my thoughts for 3 hours. I woke up at 3 this morning and finally told God, I surrender.
Problem is, although I had tried to “convict” myself earlier for what I had done, I didn’t actually open my mouth and confess to God to forgive me. I hadn’t done true repentance. When I woke up, I couldn’t do anything but just cry out to God and after confessing I felt so much better. My soul wasn’t weighing as heavy. I truly felt like David, when the Bible speaks of how God’s hand weighed heavy on him until he confessed in Psalm 32: (3-5).
And it didn’t end there, I picked up my bible and went to work. God led me to passages like Psalm 51:(1-3,6-12, 15, 17) where it talks about David asking for forgiveness of his sins. He asked God to cleanse him and put truth in his heart so that he would have a steadfast spirit to walk in the Lord’s will. God also led me to 1 Thessalonians 4: (1-7, 11-12) where it talks about how we should make it a goal to live a life that is pleasing to God; that we were not called to be part of the world’s impurities but to be set apart as a Christian. The final passage I read was Ephesians 2: (1-10,12-14,19, 21-22) which talks about how even before we knew who God was, and we were slaves to our fleshly desires, God was still keeping us because of his undeserved favor. It’s because of his grace, that we can even say we’re saved. We are God’s own handi-work and he created us with HIS purpose in mind. Because we are given the gift of God’s favor, we are brought closer to God and able to hear his voice when he calls.
Everything I read was an eye opener for me to wake up and see that God expects more from me. That this dude is not meant for me and that once again, I don’t have to settle for cheap living. God doesn’t just want me to settle for anyone. God wouldn’t have brought me this far, just to backtrack. And really the truth is, I stand in the way of my own deliverance because I keep going back to what he’s taken me out of.
So now that I know what I must work on, I look forward to making progress in God’s will. I’m realizing that I’m not perfect, but when I drop the ball, God is ALWAYS there to pick it up. And no matter what, as long as I’m striving to live a life pleasing to him, GOD will not only be FAITHFUL to his WORD but to me as well.