Faithful 2 HIS WORD & 2 You

Truly God is amazing and this week I believe God has truly shown me just how great he can be.  This week I have been challenged twice.  One challenge dealt with my past and the other with my present.

The challenge from my past involved my ex-boyfriend of two years. He waited  until a year after we broke up to confess that for the two years we were together, for the last year of our relationship he was cheating on me. And that the girl he was cheating with is now 4 months pregnant. And it wasn’t just any girl, but a girl I thought hated me because of what him and I had. I thought she was jealous of us and was always out to sabotage our relationship. Now, when I first heard the news I was shocked and a little disappointed. I had been made a fool of for a whole year! But for some reason, after I thought about the entire situation, of everything I went through with my ex, God wouldn’t allow me to be mad. Although the devil wanted to make it seem like he’d gotten the upper hand, God showed me the blessing.

If God hadn’t taken me out of that relationship then, I wouldn’t have been able to grow to where I am now. It was because of the pain from that relationship that I even made an attempt to seek God for peace and in the end I found so much more. And he also showed me, that I don’t have to settle for cheap living anymore, that his standards for me have changed. God has offered me a higher quality of living within in his will. And not only  that, but even in the midst of the relationship with everything I went through with my ex, GOD kept me. Nobody but God, because Lord knows I could be in all kinds of trouble and drama right now. But that life wasn’t for me.

Now the other challenge involves the guy that I’ve been trying to let go since January. Once again, I had been doing well, not speaking to him, not texting him and I felt like I was getting closer to finally letting him go. But yesterday I had a moment in my flesh and found myself messing with dude once again.  After the fact, I tried to brush it off, telling myself I was stupid and I needed to do better.  I thought I could just go to bed and forget about it.

But all night I couldn’t get any sleep. I was very restless and kept tossing and turning. I couldn’t get comfortable for nothing. And all the while I’m tossing and turning what I had done earlier kept running through my mind. I tried to think about other stuff so I’d go to sleep but I couldn’t. I fought with God in my thoughts for 3 hours. I woke up at 3 this morning and finally told God, I surrender.

Problem is, although I had tried to “convict” myself earlier for what I had done, I didn’t actually open my mouth and confess to God to forgive me. I hadn’t done true repentance. When I woke up, I couldn’t do anything but just cry out to God and after confessing I felt so much better. My soul wasn’t weighing as heavy. I truly felt like David, when the Bible speaks of how God’s hand weighed heavy on him until he confessed in Psalm 32: (3-5).

And it didn’t end there, I picked up my bible and went to work. God led me to passages like  Psalm 51:(1-3,6-12, 15, 17) where it talks about David asking for forgiveness of his sins. He asked God to cleanse him and put truth in his heart so that he would have a steadfast spirit to walk in the Lord’s will. God also led me to 1 Thessalonians 4: (1-7, 11-12) where it talks about how we should make it a goal to live a life that is pleasing to God; that we were not called to be part of the world’s impurities but to be set apart as a Christian.  The final passage I read was Ephesians 2: (1-10,12-14,19, 21-22) which talks about how even before we knew who God was, and we were slaves to our fleshly desires, God was still keeping us because of his undeserved favor.  It’s because of his grace, that we can even say we’re saved. We are God’s own handi-work and he created us with HIS purpose in mind. Because we are given the gift of God’s favor, we are brought closer to God and able to hear his voice when he calls.

Everything I read was an eye opener for me to wake up and see that God expects more from me. That this dude is not meant for me and that once again, I don’t have to settle for cheap living. God doesn’t just want me to settle for anyone. God wouldn’t have brought me this far, just to backtrack. And really the truth is, I stand in the way of my own deliverance because I keep going back to what he’s taken me out of.

So now that I know what I must work on, I look forward to making progress in God’s will.  I’m realizing that I’m not perfect, but when I drop the ball, God is ALWAYS there to pick it up. And no matter what, as long as I’m striving to live a life pleasing to him, GOD will not only be FAITHFUL  to his WORD but to me as well.

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I am NOT my hair =)

So this blog is probably going to be the first blog I’ve posted outside of my normal spiritual blogs so to speak. This blog is just a simple explanation about a recent decision I made to finally wear my natural hair. First off, I’ve been natural since 8th or 9th grade, Im not “just going natural”. I’ve just been hiding it under weave all these years! And truth be told, I never had enough confidence  to just wear my natural hair. For a long time I only felt comfortable wearing weave.

All my life, even when I was little I struggled with my natural hair. It’s always been nappy and hard to manage. I was used to getting it straigthnened with the hotcomb etc. Well my mom tried to put a perm in my hair when I was about 6 and it’s been a struggle ever since then. A couple of times I’ve tried perms and everytime, it’s been a FAILURE. My hair ends up breaking off and my edges…you know the rest.

So I haven’t had a perm since I was in 8th or 9th grade and since then I’ve just been wearing weave. While in college, this past April I reached a point where I realized, all my confidence was in the weave and not in me and who I was. So I decided to just wear my natural hair and take a chance. At first it was kinda hard to adjust. I didn’t exactly feel like me because I was used to wearing weave.  That’s where my confidence came from. But within a month I became more comfortable in my skin than I had been in a long time.

I  just didn’twant people to think I did this for “fashion”. No, I had a legit reason. I needed to know personally that Im still the same me with or without the weave. I was tired of defining myself based on my hair. I didn’t want to spend all my life hiding behind weave.  I had to redefine my own personal defintion of beauty. And Im not saying it hasnt been hard. Ive had a few days where I was like shoot…I don’t know if I can keep this up. But so far I’ve been able to stick it out. It’s still fairly new to me. And yes Ive had some negative criticism, seems like my family members kind of disowned me…but well WHATEVER. Family can’t define ME either.  Im learning that at the end of the day my confidence is not found in things of the world. All I need to know is that I am who God says I am and I was created with HIS purpose in mind.

Two steps FORWARD, FOUR steps BACKWARDS…>_<

TWO STEPS FORWARD, FOUR STEPS BACKWARDS

Taking 2 steps forward in a situation, does not mean that you are completely delivered. I’ve been in the same situation for several months now, and it seems every time I take a few steps forwards, the devil will try and get me to take 4 steps backwards to erase the progress.

But the issue is that I felt like just because I made a few baby steps, I was all of a sudden delivered. My baby steps made me feel accomplished when really I had done nothing more than use God. I would stick with God long enough to make some progress.  Once I felt like I was okay and had things under control, I would start to do my own thing; which created a cycle.

I would move forward, take a couple of baby steps and then wonder off again. And I had the nerve to wonder why I could never shake the situation. It’s because I didn’t want to. Something in me wanted to keep holding on even when God was saying let go. I jacked up my own progress because every time I would move forward I kept looking back. Looking back only made me second guess myself because I started   thinking about what could’ve been.  I’d replay in my mind the mistakes I’d made and all the things I should’ve done different. But eventually I had to tell myself to just let it go. I’ll never move forward if I look back every time I make a little progress.

Point is, just because we take a few baby steps forward doesn’t mean we’re completely healed. To truly be delivered and  move forward, we have to put something different in place that will keep  us moving in that progressive direction.  We can’t expect progress if we don’t change our behavior. You have to change the way you look at the situation. Once your mind is made up then you can move forward.  

But more than anything, the only thing that will keep us moving forward is faith in God. Having a relationship with him, and trusting him to know what’s best for you is key. We can’t ever think because we took a few steps forward that we’re too “deep” we don’t still have to depend on God. We must depend on God from the beginning to the end.

Every step forward counts, but what good is it if we haven’t allowed God to change our hearts and mind on the inside? We’ll spend our whole lives making steps forward, just to fall back later on. If we aren’t convinced God way is better than ours, then we’ll keep thinking we can save ourselves. We’ll consult God but never truly yield to his wisdom.

Moving forward is about maturity. If our behavior is never confronted then a change can’t be made. It’s deeper than changing for 2 weeks and then the next week falling back. In order to be mature we have to be prepared by allowing God to impart some things into our hearts and letting it get into our guts. If we fill ourselves up with God’s wisdom the less room we have left for foolishness and distractions. Putting things in place to help us stay in God’s will is truly what’s key to taking steps forward in life.

HIS WILL, will be done

At one point, I almost thought about giving up on my blogs. The reason being, I would write a blog about something I was going through, know what I should do and yet fail to do better.  I’m not always good at following my own advice. So I thought, well how can I say all these things, if I obviously was doubting them myself?

However I’ve realized that when I write these blogs it’s not about me.  It’s about putting the experience out there for others who may be going through the same thing. The blogs are bigger than me. It’s really about me putting God’s word out there. I don’t know who reads my blogs & what they may take away.  But I may have a testimony someone needs to hear and if I don’t put it out there, then it won’t be heard. Good or bad.  God has a reason for everything and despite my failures HIS WILL, will be done.